The 35 Book Review

You might say that I sometimes push myself to be an overachiever. This proved to be the case with my first goal for "The Year of 35" to read 35 books by the end of the year.  35 books we're read by July 26 and I have since read 3 more. Below are my heartfelt and concise reviews of the books that have rekindled my obsession to get caught up in a story, become lost in alternate realities, forget to go to sleep at night, and take the time to dream.  My reviews are personal and not particularly informative. I'm just going to tell you if I liked the book or not. 

Divergent Trilogy -Veronica Roth

1. Divergent

2. Insurgent

3. Allegiant

This is what started it all. I was sitting restlessly the first week of January and began reading reviews of recent best sellers. Divergent popped up so I downloaded it on my kindle app and began reading... And didn't stop until I finished Allegiant 3 days later. In short, I am completely obsessed with this story. I have a Divergent inspired Bible study floating around in my head, have written a letter to the author, attended the midnight release of the movie dressed in faction garb, hosted a killer Divergent Release Faction Party, discovered my true dauntless identity- and don't even get me started on Tobias "Four" Eaton.  

The reviews for young adult fiction tend to be all over the place, so this may not necessarily be where it's at for the "serious" (read: boring) readers out there, but this series has stuck with me and made me think more than any others I have read for a super long time. The spiritual connections are through the roof... And I never thought I could possibly love another fictional character as much as I love Edward.  Honestly, I'm still not completely committed, but Four is just barely trailing behind. Just barely. 

Matched Trilogy -Ally Condie

4. Matched

5. Crossed

6. Reached

The truth is, I really just had to keep reading in an attempt to get Divergent out of my head as much as possible. It really was beginning to take over my life. The Matched trilogy is another young adult dystopian society series. I enjoyed this series moderately and found it to be a light read. It wasn't terribly thought provoking, but it was alright and I'm glad I read it. I have heard that Disney may be making the movies. This makes sense as it does seem geared toward a slightly younger crowd. 

Selection Trilogy - Kiera Cass

7. The Selection

8. The Elite

9. The One

The Bachelor meets young adult dystopia meets the monarchy. This was predictable and lacking some detail, but I enjoyed the story mostly because I want to be a real princess and I like love triangles and cheesy romance.  I put it above Matched, but it is still in a black hole compared to the big 3 (Twilight, Divergent, and Hunger Games).

10.  A Million Little Ways -Emily P. Freeman

This was a great inspirational book that caused me to think and reflect. I can't remember a lot about it right now, but I know that it messed me up for a while in a good way. I recommend. 

11.  The Fault in Our Stars. -John Green

Grab some Kleenex. I read this book in less than 24 hours and enjoyed most of it. There are a few aspects of the story  I wasn't quite as in to. If you decide not to read the book, you at least need to see the movie. This is a rare gem in which I may actually like the movie better than the book. I absolutely loved the movie. It was somehow incredibly light hearted and sweet while also being heart wrenching and sob inducing. Read it. Watch it. You'll love it. 

12.  You're Made For a God Sized Dream. -Holley Gerth

This is another one that messed me up in a good way. It helped me to remember to dream and consider what dreams God has placed within me. The self awareness and reflection that this book prompted within me is going on still. 

13.  Eleanor and Park - Rainbow Rowell

A sweet book about young love. It's a fun and quick read. 

Delirium Trilogy - Lauren Oliver

14. Delirium

15. Pandemonium 

16. Requiem

Another young adult dystopian series, just because I'm stuck on the genre. I'd rank it behind The Selection and Matched. It wasn't too impacting because I can't remember much about it. 

17. The White Pearl - Kate Furnivall

This book took me a while to get through, but I really liked it for a change of pace and it took me back to my historical fiction roots. Worth the read. 

18. Fierce Women -Kimberly Wagner

I highly recommend to all my strong woman friends out there. This book challenged me and prompted some great discussions with my friends and with my husband. 

19. Impact My Life - Elisa Wagner

 This book is about mentoring and although I didn't find the information to be anything particularly new or insightful, it was affirming to my view of mentoring and relationships. 

Harry Potter -J. K. Rowling

20. Sorcerer's Stone

21. Chamber of Secrets

22. Prisoner of Azkaban

23. Goblet of Fire

24. Order of the Phoenix

25. Half Blood Prince

26. Deathly Hallows

Perhaps I am the only true cool person who has taken this long to get around to reading Harry Potter. I have no idea why it has taken me so long to get on board!  I am so glad that I finally did. I read all 7 books in 36 days and can now understand the Harry Potter world  view and it's pretty fantastic. It took me a while to get connected to the characters and the story,  but at the end of the 4th book it hit me. The tears flowed, my heart leapt, and there was no turning back. I have since bought all the movies and Matt and I have gotten through the first three.  I heart Dumbledore and everything about all the Weasley's makes me happy. And of course, Harry.  I kind of want to be him. 

27.   Forget Me - Jess Petosa

I really just wanted a light read, but it was not good. The writing was bad and the plot had so many holes. Don't read it. No, seriously. Don't do it. 

28.  Exceptional - Jess Petosa (part 1 of the Exceptional trilogy)

I don't know why I read another book by the same author after having such a bad experience with "Forget Me".  I think I just really wanted another young adult dystopia fix. It probably didn't help that I was still coming off of the J.K. Rowling brilliant writing high, but this was terrible. It was all telling and no showing and the editing was just awful. I couldn't bring myself to read anymore of the series, which is saying a lot. It was so painful to read that I didn't even care to know the rest of the story. 

The Maze Runner - James Dashner

29.  The Maze Runner

30.  The Scorch Trials

31.  The Death Cure

32.  The Kill Order (prequel)

Best dystopia since reading Divergent, but still trailing significantly, as in light years, behind. I did really enjoy the story, but the romance element was missing for me. I will be interested to see what they do with the movies. 

33.  A Year of Biblical Womanhood - Rachel Held Evans

I have been avoiding this book for a while, mostly because I had uninformed perceptions about what it is really about.  It was actually really good. The author is funny and I related to her deeply. I think we would be friends.  Ladies, read it. 

34.  Gone Girl -Gillian Flynn

Wow.  This book is interesting and So. Messed. Up.  Seriously, all this crazy stuff happens because people get bored and complacent in their marriage and go totes psycho. It's a good and strange read, but I recommend it. The movie is coming out so read the book first.  Neil Patrick Harris has a role so I'm pretty excited about that. 

35. Four:  A Divergent Collection - Veronica Roth

How fitting that it ended where it began. This book consists of four Divergent stories from Four's perspective. It adds a bit more detail and background and... Four is in every single scene, so how could it be bad?

The Universal Language

"Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Ephesians 5:1,2

The languages of love, laughter, and music know no boundaries and allow people from every nation to offer the beautiful fragrance of Christ to one another in a way that brings hope, healing, and peace and brings a beacon of light that covers darkness and pain.  The language of love permeated every encounter and conversation with the amazing people of Haiti. Smiles and hugs united us in miraculous ways and laughter and music gave us heart connections that won't be quickly forgotten. 

I sensed the laughter as I offered to help a woman wash her clothes in the government built canal.  She laughed as I tried and laughed as she rewashed the items I had washed after I walked away.  We all have our own ways of doing things!

The laughter of children rang throughout the village as our team painted their fingernails, got schooled in a soccer game and as they taught us their Haitian games. Laughter brought joy and magnified our shared humanity and God's character. 

As our team passed the time singing our favorite songs as we washed dishes one evening, our beautiful Haitian cooks joined in, singing in their own language "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!"  We sang common songs with our translators as we travelled on the back of the bus and painted a porch in a village, reminders of God's grace and unchanging presence.

Two little girls dragged me across the village to the village playground, only to sit down we with me and begin to sing "Bless The Lord, O my soul. Worship his holy name" first in English and then in Creole. As we painted a home, the children flocked as they heard the resounding voices of our team. "Mwen genyen jwa, jwa, jwa, jwa an dedenke Mwen!" They joined in as we sang about the joy of the Lord down in our hearts in their native tongue. 

As we worshipped with the Church of Hope, the entire congregation sprang to their feet as the final notes rang from the Haitian woman, who sang with unmatched fervor and passion (and volume!) "It is well, it is well with my soul!"  The Haitian people cried out to God in song, "Let it rain, let it rain!  Open the floodgates of heaven!"  We joined in, a prayer for a people not only in need of the spiritual living water of Jesus, but with an ever present need to have their physical thirst quenched in a land where rivers and streams have gone dry. 

We sang as our team washed each other's feet, following the example of Jesus, who loved and served the least of these and offers us the privilege to do the same. We washed one another's feet, feet dirty from the dust; weary, joyful, and obedient feet boldly proclaiming God's love. 

A team member sang a quiet lullaby as she held a 4 month old baby suffering with fever and pain from a virus obtained from a mosquito as we prayed for complete healing. The concrete walls of a small one room shack echoed the triumph of "Amazing Grace" where a man begged us to pray for a better way of life for his family, his wife and their 8 month old baby, who was lying naked on the bed,  his nakedness a refuge from the heat. We claimed through song that we never walk alone and of God's infinite faithfulness as we gave medicine to a woman long suffering with heartburn and the ramifications of high blood pressure and no money or means to get to the clinic.  As a young girl taught me a game where we clapped our hands together in a repetitive pattern, I began to sing "Jesus loves me" and she repeated each line after me, her smile piercing my heart. The love of Jesus is without limit. 

The languages of love and laughter and music are gifts that we gave and that were selflessly returned back to us as we lived among our Haitian brothers and sisters. God makes a way for all people to experience God's love regardless of race, culture or country, whether living in poverty or with wealth.  Embracing God's language of love everyday, moment by moment, in every relationship and in every circumstance has the power to change a life, change a community, change the world. 

The Heart of a Child

Walking through the old streets of St. Augustine, the narrow and necessary focus was making sure that all seven kids were accounted for each and every moment since the reality is that one of them could bolt and disappear if this focus was thwarted for even a second.  

Even with my singular focus, I couldn't help but notice the couple who had stopped to talk to the homeless woman sitting against the brick wall on the side of the street.  The man spoke to her in a jovial tone, asking her questions and talking to her with respect.  The woman was kneeling next to her, looking her in the eye as she spoke to her.  As we passed, I heard the woman ask if she could she pray for her.  She reached for her hand.  "That would be great."  

We continued to walk slowly down the cobble stone road, so thankful for the love of God's people.  We passed another homeless man moments later and right after we passed, I heard the kind voice of a woman, "Hi John!  How are you today?"  My thankfulness turned to joy. It was the same couple.  This was their gift. 

Quickly my thoughts turned to choosing an ice cream flavor and corralling children.  As I ate my salted caramel scoop with extra caramel from Kilwin's, I noticed my oldest niece, Emma, hugging her dad tightly.  My first thought was that there was more drama. The children had been taking turns crying over small things all day long. What now?  I soon learned that Emma had seen the homeless woman and wanted to use the money she had been saving to buy her some food.  

The 15 of us walked back the way we came and when we got to the place where the homeless woman sat, Emma stopped and asked if she had anything to eat today.  "I've had a little something." Most of us stood at a distance, while Keira and Judah hovered closely, standing right next to Emma and looking back and forth, their curiosity demanding that they take in the conversation.  Emma talked and smiled comfortably and placed money in the woman's jar and soon the interaction was over.

Our crew began to walk down the street again, Judah racing up to grab Emma's hand. "Emma!  That was so nice of you to do that!  That was so nice of you!"  

I couldn't keep the tears from falling, so thankful for the love of Jesus flowing through the heart of a child freely, while my own children looked on, learning truth and grace through their cousin that they look up to and watch. 

Lord, give me the heart of a child, to be moved and to act with boldness and confidence and not to get so bogged down with the pressures of life that I miss the simplicity and beauty and possibilities in the passing moments.  Give me the heart of a child. Love. 

Goal # 3: Confessions of Defeat

"I feel like a pawn in your game."

"What's going on?  I'm asleep."

"Again??!?!"

These are just some of the quotes from my sweet husband during the course of my 35 day intercourse challenge. My responses?

"I'm doing this for you! If it's on my checklist, it WILL happen.  Stop complaining and take your pants off."

"Wake up!  New position to try!"

"At least you are getting it more than twice a month!"

Oh by the way, if sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you should just go ahead and close this page. It's about to get real up in here. 

I knew when I set the goal to have sex 35 times in 35 days that it would not be easy. After the goal was set, I realized that I would be in a different state than my husband for 6 of those days and I experienced at least 4 of the most tired days I can remember during this time frame. Coitus was enjoyed a total of 23 times. 

Not only did I fail, but I failed miserably.  

I do not like to fail. The point of making goals is to reach them, not to only do 66% of the work. This is an F in some classes and I am a solid A student.  Even as I write this, my disappointment is beginning to increase. I temporarily quit my second round of seminary just because I couldn't handle getting a B... And now I've earned a solid D-, even on the scales of gracious professors, in sex. A D- in SEX. Great job, Tamara. Just great. 

I failed, but I also had sex twenty-three times. 23 times in 35 days and I've been married 9.5 years. TWENTY-THREE times. 

By the middle of the second week of the challenge, the roles in our relationship started to reverse... and it was pretty entertaining. All of a sudden it was Matt saying how tired he was and claiming that he needed to reboot, particularly on those days when I was demanding that we jump each other more than once.  I may have failed, but our marriage has been lighthearted and fun and we connected.  I decided I wanted to be more intentional about making sure that physical intimacy is a priority because I know that truly healthy marriages need that, and physical intimacy did happen. Twenty-three times, by the way. 

I failed, but from the moment I posted my goal setting blog, conversations started opening up in so many of my circles. Here's the thing: women need to talk and they need to talk about sex in a healthy way and married women don't talk about sex quite enough, particularly in Christian circles. As I talked with women, we found that many of us struggle with similar issues when it comes to our sex lives.  These conversations spawned encouragement, laughter, grace, and the desire to embrace more fully the beauty and gift of healthy and good sex within marriage, even the midst of our crazy and chaotic lives.

A good friend told me that she couldn't believe I'd post sex stuff on my blog for the world to read, especially given my work with college students and preacher status.  It's certainly not for everyone to make private matters more public, but I embrace the gift of doing so.  I choose to live my life as an open book and readily invite uncomfortable conversations about real life. I am committed to approaching these conversations from the perspective of faith and shutting  them down if the content is not healthy, if the audience is not appropriate, or if it just isn't the right time. 

I failed, but do you want to talk?  I'll talk to you.  (I'm secretly hoping men have quit reading this by now.  In case this isn't clear, this invitation is extended to women only.). If not me, find a spiritual sister you can chat it up with.  But here are the rules: absolutely no husband bashing or comparing.  Got it?  Ever since my major areas of study in college and grad school had me taking a plethora courses with sex as the subject matter, I've loved talking about sex.  In seminary a good friend of mine referred to me as her "sex friend" whenever she had a question. (It's funny how I had all the answers before I got married and actually started having sex.  I became completely clueless when that happened.) I may have failed, but I didn't expect to encounter such rich and real conversation.  I've experientially remembered that sex talk is one of my niches. One of those places I feel at home. So, there's that. And there's 23 times. That's right, folks. Twenty-three. 

23 times. I'm starting to feel better about this, but then I remember that we had sex 21 times during the 5.5 days of our honeymoon and I feel like a failure again.  

But then I remember that by all accounts, the honeymoon is way over, we are closing in on 10 years of marriage, raising 3 children, excelling in demanding careers, and getting up at 5 a.m. almost every morning to have Shawn T kick our butts.  We are almost completely caught up on the many TV shows we watch together and continue to have meaningful and good conversations with one another.  We are preparing to go on a mission trip to Haiti together, together we manage our family and home, show our kids who Jesus is the best that we can everyday and work together to build and maintain new and old friendships.  We get up at the crack of dawn, go to bed late at night, and our days are overwhelmingly full with pressure and responsibility, while we also enjoy work and play, Zumba and softball and family movie nights.  And we threw sex in there, 23 freakin' times. 

I didn't meet my goal, but sparks flew and good sex habits were formed. 

I didn't have sex 35 times, but connection and reconnection and intimacy was present. 

Unexpected talks with women were purposeful and good.  

My marriage is solid and good from every angle. 

Maybe I didn't fail after all. 

"You're amazing!"

"Where do you want to do it tonight?"

"You are the best wife ever."

"I know baby, I know."

"Wherever you want to!"

"Well, you are pretty awesomesauce yourself."

66% never felt so good. 

The Year of 35

My 35th birthday passed by last week and I made the decision to celebrate turning 35 all year by placing before myself a wide array of aspirations to give me extra motivation to live life to the fullest. In the midst of the chaos of life I don't want to miss out on the joy of paying attention to my mind and my body and my spirit. I want to make sure that I don't take life too seriously and that I remember to just have fun.  I also like lists and goals, mostly because I like to check them off and reach them. So, here it goes...  The year of 35. It could just be the best yet. 

35 books

Category: Mind and Spirit

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014

Seriously, people.  It had been at least 16 months since I had cracked a book, and then something exploded in me and I started reading and haven't stopped since.  My count has already reached 28. Incidentally, I am not overly concerned about reaching this goal. And for the record, I do still have a job and my children continue to be well nourished. I just happen to be crazy.  Book reviews forthcoming. 

350 miles

Category:  Body

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014 or May 1,2014- May 1, 2015

I have definitely fell off the running train lately, but I'm determined to get back on. I am giving myself some flexibility with the time frame here, but I'm aiming for the end of the calendar year. So far I have run a whopping six miles this year, so I've got my work cut out for me, but I believe my next goal could help me get there...

3-5 races

Category:  Body

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014

I'm already registered for a 5k, informally committed to a half marathon, and a Thanksgiving day race is slowly becoming tradition.  This one is basically in the bag as long as I follow through and don't accidentally get pregnant, which leads me to my next few goals...

Sexual Intercourse 35 times in 35 days

Category:  Mind; Body; Spirit; Marriage; Pleasure

May 1, 2014-June 4, 2014

This does not seem too difficult, except I just realized that I will be out of town for 6 of those days. Throw in the joy of the monthly cycle of the female body and general fatigue, and, yikes, this is going to take some serious effort! It's SO on, though!  We are on schedule so far.  Yesterday was a tired day so today was a two-a-day. 

3 new positions

Category:  Marriage

Timeframe: May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

You're welcome, Matt.  

5 new places

Category:  Marriage

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

Just to keep it interesting. 

And- just in case that isn't sufficient sexual motivation...

3-5 times a week

Category:  Mind; Body; Spirit; Marriage; Pleasure; SEX

Timeframe: May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I am clearly going to be up for "Wife of the Year" award in 2014 and I am fairly confident that I will win. 

35 push ups 5 times a week

Category:  Body

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

35 blog posts

Category:  Mind; Spirit

Timeframe:  January 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I know my faithful readers are going crazy with delight right now. (If you are out there, will you please identify yourselves?  Someone? Anyone?)

35 second planks- front and both sides

Category:  Body

Timeframe:  Goal achieved by December 31, 2014

3-5 unmistakeable dauntless acts or moments

Category: Just for Fun;  Self-Care

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I. Am.  Obsessed. With. Divergent. 

If you have no idea what this means, a later blog post will give exciting and riveting detail. 

3 times a month, 50 minutes in a coffee shop (beginning in April)

Category:  Spirit;  Self-Care

Timeframe:  April 1, 2014-December 31,2014

This is already changing my life. 

35 things not typical of a 35 year old

Category:  Just for fun

Timeframe: January 1, 2014-December 31,2014

I can't wait to see what all ends up on this list!

7 going on 17... or 47

I often say that I am thirty something going on thirteen. I have recognized lately that I must be rubbing off on my daughter, as mothers tend to do, because she doesn't always act her age either. 

Seven years ago my life was forever changed by the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I never knew my heart could hold that much love. I also never could have dreamed or imagined the person that talks and walks and creates and dreams and feels so deeply and brings me so much joy. At seven years old, she already tries to keep me grounded (although it doesn't necessarily work.). Just last night I turned to Keira and made a somewhat snide comment directed toward my mom, all in good fun of course, and Keira's eyes widened and bore into my own while a firm command to "STOP" made its way through her clenched teeth.  She regularly reminds me that my bathroom humor is gross and that I need to quit because she doesn't want to listen to it anymore. She knows all about kindness and love and friendship. She calls her brother and sister her "siblings" and teaches them Bible stories and their meanings.  She loves sushi and chooses a yogurt parfait over pancakes and carrot sticks over French fries. Is she 7... or 47?

In other moments she rolls her eyes at me way too readily and manipulates situations to try to get her own way.  It often seems to be her main goal to get her brother in trouble, while getting away with as much as she possibly can.  She cares way too much what others think and sometimes doubts her gifts and abilities, but is willing to enter into conversation with me to work through it. She loves getting her nails done, her hair curled, and new clothes. She gets agitated when I ask her about boys, but worries about how she is going to find someone to marry.  She makes thoughtful decisions and exercises her independence. Is she 7... or 17?

My favorite moments are when she tells me that she wants me cuddle with her while she watches cartoons and when she reaches for my hand and grips it tightly when we cross the street or walk through a parking lot.  Thunderstorms and bad dreams send her to the safe place between her Daddy and I. She gets over the top excited about Disney movies and always picks books about puppies or bunnies on library day. Her laughter rings through the house indicating that she doesn't have a care in the world.  She loves dressing up like a princess, coloring, and playing endlessly in the backyard. Sometimes I forget, but I am often reminded, she is 7, 100% and completely 7 years old. 

Happy 7th Birthday to the little lady who has changed my life forever.  I love you, Keira.  Don't grow up too fast. 

Shelton Haiti Adventure Coming Soon

An exciting adventure lies before us and we are eager to tell you about it!

 “Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders…”

 SENSING THE CALL

It is continually our hope and prayer to live our lives with a sense of adventure, consistently loving and engaging the world around us and, most importantly, with our hearts always tuned toward obedience to God. 

 When we watched the promotional video about the short term mission trip that our church, East Side Church of God, is taking to Haiti this summer several weeks ago, we instantly turned to each other and immediately agreed that we should go.  As we have prayed and talked and learned more about the trip, the ministry we will partner with, and the people and country of Haiti, we have continued to receive affirmation that God is nudging us to pursue this opportunity at this time in our lives.

 “Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me…”

 THE MISSION AND MINISTRY

Our trip will take place from June 14-21 and this eight day trip will focus on bringing and sharing hope in a culture that may seem to most Americans as being without hope.  We will be serving just a few miles outside of Port au Prince, the capitol of Haiti. 

 Haiti continues to be stricken by an increasing breakdown of social stability, family life, and government corruption, as well as poverty in villages, crime, domestic violence, and drug addiction.  There is such a need for hope that can only be found in Christ.  Mission of Hope is a Christ-centered organization that we will serve with in Haiti.  (www.mohhaiti.org)  We are excited about working alongside Mission of Hope and the possibility of bringing the incredible news of the love of Jesus to a very needy people.  We will do ministry in a variety of ways including proclaiming the message of life and hope through one-on-one interactions in orphanages and nearby villages, work projects in local villages, and working alongside local churches and pastors.

 Although there will certainly be challenges and circumstances that will break our hearts, the prospect of serving in this capacity holds the potential to change lives for eternity and that is exceptionally invigorating!  Another reason we are excited is that we have never been on a mission trip together.  Although we both were part of trips before we were married, this will be our first trip like this together.  We are eagerly anticipating the ways that God will challenge us and speak to us individually while also expecting beautiful outcomes for our relationship and marriage through this shared experience. 

 “Take me deeper than my feet could wander…”

 A PARTNERSHIP OF SUPPORT

As you can imagine, a trip like this requires significant financial support.  Each member of the team needs to raise $1700 and we have payments due early this spring.  Gifts of any size are greatly appreciated!  If you would like to be part of this mission through your financial support, please mail a check to the church, give by credit card, or give online at www.eschog.org.  

 “… and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior.”

 A PARTNERSHIP OF PRAYER

The most crucial thing that you can do as we embark on this journey is to partner with us in prayer.  Please pray that the logistical pieces will come together easily such as passports, immunizations, and schedules.  Pray for the entire team from East Side that we will mutually develop a passion for the people of Haiti and a deep love for one another.  Pray that the team will make an impact as well as be impacted.  As God is faithful in preparing us for the many unique situations and people that we will encounter on our trip, pray that our eyes, ears, and hearts will be attentive and that we will lean on God’s wisdom and guidance. 

 We also ask that you will pray for our children.  It will be extremely difficult to travel so far away from them for an extended amount time.  Pray for our peace in the leaving and that that the time while we are away will be meaningful and memorable for them. It is our hope that through sharing our stories with our children and explaining to them why we are taking this trip to Haiti, seeds will be planted in them that will impact their world view and teach them the joy of faithful obedience to our God, who is so good, and the importance of loving our world without reservation. 

 Thank you so much for partnering with us as we embark on this incredible experience!

Matt and Tamara

“Oceans”

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me

Take me deeper that my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

(Hillsong United- Crocker, Houston, & Lighthelm)

Breathe, Reflect, Live

I sit in a coffee shop with less than 60 minutes between one responsibility and another and I breathe deeply. When the barista turns on Simon and Garfunkel in the background and the sun creeps in and touches me where I have perched myself in the cozy window seat, I am completely at peace. I close my eyes and savor the moment. It could be days or weeks or months until this moment comes again. I can think about anything I want to, without the words, "Hey, Mama!" ringing in my ears or the loud dryer buzz reminding me that there are clothes to fold and bathrooms to scrub.  I can think about anything I want to, without my to-do list haunting me or deadlines and meetings pressing in upon me, or I can think about nothing at all.  As I breathe in and breathe out, the pressure that has been building deep within me releases and there is space to reflect and simply be.  I decompress and I am grateful. So incredibly grateful.  This season is full. My days begin and they do not end until my head hits the pillow, with few moments in between to catch my breath. 

This season is full, but its fullness is filled with goodness. It is filled with my children's laughter and a marriage that just keeps getting better. It is filled with friendship, frivolity, and purpose.  Every facet of my life is marked by relationships that are caring and challenging.  My work and my play and my family bring me joy and are beyond what I could have have ever hoped for or imagined. Life is full. Some days I don't know how I am going to make it. I can't fathom how it can possibly work.  Life is full and hard and overwhelming, but it is so good. 

And so I breathe and I reflect and I don't worry that I haven't checked off anything on the post-it note I brought in with me covered with reminders. I embrace these moments of peace. 

As the clock reminds me that it is time to go, I am ready and filled with joy. I am going to pick up my kids and we'll sing songs from "Frozen" at the top of our lungs in the car and their voices and smiles will cause the love in my heart to explode.  I am going to lead an incredible and diverse group of women in a fun workout with loud music and flashing colored lights and all the stress that each beautiful woman brought in with them from their chaotic life will be released as we dance and sweat and breathe.  I am going to laugh with friends and I am going to get to see my sister and we are going to enjoy life together and pretend we're still teenagers and it's going to be great.

I have breathed deeply and now it is time to go. It is time to go, but I am ready to go where I am going.

  

A Divergent Story: My Journey to the Choosing Ceremony

"I don't want to be just one thing." -Divergent (Veronica Roth)

I have become completely sucked into the world of Divergent and it has become my mission to suck in as many other people as possible in with me. This has led to way too much time spent taking online quizzes to determine which faction I belong in, hours of conversations guessing what faction others would be in, group texts where the single word "Four" prompts a collective "aaahhh...", a finely crafted email to the author (wait, what?  Did I actually do that?), endless eye rolls from my husband ("Are you talking about that book again?"), and spiritual connection revelations that destroy the focus I should have on my real and present life for at least 24 hours.  This all has culminated in an 11 PM viewing of the movie premiere which symbolizes the Choosing Ceremony.  We must wear our factions and choose. My anxiety and excitement is settling in as if this is the real thing. Maybe it is. 

It has been nearly impossible for me to determine which faction I belong in. There has never been a question which faction I would choose, but is that faction actually me?  This has caused a bit of an identity crisis for me because I consider myself a fairly self-aware person. If I am self-aware, why can I not determine my faction? 

Just like there has never been a question in my heart which faction I would choose,  I have also never had any doubt that I. Am. Divergent.  

I am anything but one dimensional.

I want to write and teach and speak.  I could open a cafe, become a personal trainer, or be a wedding planner. My photography is decent. I can write songs and run long distances and decorate cakes. I have strengths in strategy, execution, influencing and relationship building.  I am loud and quiet, opinionated and compliant.  

I am Divergent.  I actually believe that everyone is Divergent, but that is a debate for another day. 

I am Divergent.  But I have to choose. 

It has been a struggle because I know what I want to choose, what I must choose, but it's just like everything else in my life. I overthink, analyze to the point of confusion, and wonder what others will think of my decision. The multiple online quizzes I have taken always give me different results. I've talked about it way too much and gotten almost angry when my husband kept choosing Candor for me when I read him faction descriptions, my clear 4th faction choice.  I've gone about choosing all wrong. In the world of Divergent, you aren't allowed to talk with anyone about your choice until the choice is made at the Choosing Ceremony and it just doesn't matter much what anyone else thinks. It's not the bogus quizzes or the eye raises I get when I choose, it's knowing what I want, what I need, what I believe. It's the process of looking back over my life and recognizing what I strive toward and hope for and how I can live out the dreams that rest at the core of my dreams with purpose. 

I have always known what the clear choice is for me, but I have also had to eliminate all of the other choices. 

I just couldn't choose Abnegation. The drab gray dress code would be reason enough for me to disregard this faction completely. Beyond that, I recognize that I am incredibly  selfish.  The truth is, I do act in selfless ways and put others before myself regularly and the reason I am able to do this is 100% because of Jesus, but it's not natural.  My heart has to be submitted in order for my selfish thoughts to be transformed into selfless action. This is a good thing and I'm going to keep living this way and I'm going to get better at it, but there is no way I could choose Abnegation. It seems that this faction goes beyond selflessness to unhealthy self-denial and I've already been down that road and it's not happening again.  As a final affirmation to eliminate this faction choice completely, when I read the descriptions to my husband for him to offer feedback, he literally covered his mouth to unsuccessfully cover the laughter. ("Sits quietly and is careful not to draw any unnecessary attention to themself."  Um, no.  Can we say bright pink go-go boots and children who cry when I sing too loud?)

Candor.  No. I do value honesty.  A lot.  The whole concept of a white lie gets under my skin like crazy. However, it also Burns. Me. Up. when people share information, although true, prematurely or unnecessarily or in a way that hurts another just because they "couldn't lie." I just don't consider myself a "Candor smart mouth" (and I'm pretty sure this isn't a blind spot!). They also wear black and white clothing because they see the truth as black and white and, well, I don't. 

The Erudite are always on a quest for more knowledge, studying and learning and believing that knowledge will solve the faults of society. There is no doubt that I love the learning process and I generally just like to know things. I like post-graduate degrees and the classroom. However, I'm not going to choose to spend my free time reading a book that is going to make me smart or watch the news. I'm going to read Divergent and watch Scandal. Perhaps that is all I need to say about that. 

This leaves only one faction to eliminate before my choice becomes clear. I am sure that all (two) of my readers (who have made it this far) are on the edge of their seats.  

I value peace and friendship and laughter. I'm not convinced, however, that days filled with apple picking would quite do it for me. (Unless I could always be the person climbing to the top of the tree to get the apples on the highest limb. Maybe with that stipulation. Maybe?)  Music and art are wonderful and good, but the inability to disagree could become a prison cell and I believe that conflict can lead to necessary change and growth. I cannot choose Amity. 

And so, I go to the Choosing Ceremony at the Hub knowing what I will choose; my moment has come.  I cut my hand and my blood drips over the coals.  As the blood spills, my life flashes before my eyes, both the past and the future, and my choice is made with no regrets and with no fear. 

My tattoo says "Here am I, Send Me" in Hebrew (Isaiah 6:8). I am ready for an adventure. Any adventure. It wouldn't even occur to me to say no. 

I once had an entire closet where I stored all my black clothing.  And I love dying my hair and changing it incessantly.  So, there's that. 

I spent half of my childhood up a tree and climbed as high as I possibly could. I love to climb and jump and fall. It makes me feel alive and makes my heart beat fast. 

Several years ago I spent 3 days seriously considering joining the military. I researched boot camp and my heart beat rapidly with excitement.  I would have dove into this adventure and accepted this challenge if I hadn't made the decision to remain physically present with my children.  Even considering this option brought me to life again in places where I had fallen asleep and become discontent and dissatisfied. I could do it. I can do anything. 

I cried in eighth grade when the potential of an overseas transition for my family didn't come to pass and welcomed the challenge of moving to a new high school my senior year.  I love change and new and the unknown. Bring. It. On. 

I raised my hand immediately when the tour coordinator needed a volunteer to go to a host home alone while my college choir toured Europe. I spent the night in an unknown city in another land with a middle aged woman and a Finnish to English dictionary.  It never occurred to me to be afraid. It brought me to life. 

I slapped a guy 6 years older than me (across the face, no less)  the summer after 7th grade when I caught wind that he was making derogatory comments about me.  Don't mess with me or someone I love. It will not be pretty. 

I love maneuvering through airports and cities on my own, running in storms, and I face uncertainty head on.  I love the subway and the city bus and small talk with strangers. 

Risks are not scary; they are necessary and important and good.  I'll take the risk, give up everything, climb higher, dive deeper, pull myself onto a moving train, jump off a building, climb to the top of a Ferris wheel and I won't look back if it means that I can protect and love others well, make an impact, embrace my purpose. I want to be brave. No matter what.  

There is also this thing I have with fear. The thing is that I am anti-fear. I believe that fear is paralyzing and keeps us from true freedom and fear is the last place I want it live. Fear causes selfishness and dishonesty.  I have no room for fear if I want to live in freedom. And I do want to live freely and so I do. I live in freedom. 

It takes courage to tell the truth. 

It takes courage to learn and understand deeply and even more courage to disregard knowledge when life demands an openness to what is unknown and cannot be proven or studied. 

It takes bravery to move beyond simplistic peace to truth. 

Courage is required to look beyond one's self to the needs of others. 

I am Divergent. I choose Dauntless. 

"What are You, like 12?"

My husband laughingly shakes his head while saying these words directed at me at least 8 times a week. This phrase usually follows me saying how "adorbs" Elayne is or that he "totes" should give me a massage. 

The truth is, I love abbrevs. My younger sister was way ahead of the trend on this one and we used to make fun of her for incessantly shortening words, but now I just can't get enough of it. I don't often use abbrevs on social media or in my professional life because no self respecting person would do that, right?  Howevs, in the safety of my home, it is obvi that there is no reason to not embrace my inner 12 year old and rock the abbrevs with conviction. 

Another aspect of my twelve year old self is my periodic obsession with young adult fiction.  (Which is actually probably my 17 year old self since these books are not suitable for 12 year olds, IMO.) I once made fun of one the college students I worked with who expressed that she was in love with Edward, who I then learned was a fictional vampire. A few months later, I got it. And by I got it, I mean that I read all 3 "Twilight" books in 3 days and fell head over heels for Edward myself. I followed suit with this 1500 pages in 3 days madness when I discovered "The Hunger Games" and "Divergent" as well. I frequent midnight releases with pride and I legitimately asked my family to get me Hunger Games paraphernalia for Christmas. I am Team Edward and Team Peeta all the way; our friendship will be tested if you disagree and if you are up for debating about this, bring it on, but if you do, I am warning you that you totes don't stand a chance. Also, if you haven't read "Divergent" yet, I triple dog double dare ya not to fall in love with Four. (Coming to a theatre near you March 21, 47 days away!)

Embracing my inner tween also involves the joy of the recognition of things that are inappropriate in everyday life and clinging to them. My sister and brother-in-law who share the last name Schrougham will forever be the Scrotum's (sorry Coy and Michele, sorta) and I have carried around a laminated penis that Keira brought home from church in my wallet for 3 years now. It's not really a penis, I don't think, but she made it as a gift for Father's Day and it sure looks phallic to me. Over 2 years ago I documented the phrases I overheard my hubs and brother in law saying on the notes section of my phone so that I can occasionally remember for a little chuckle. (M: "that's a nice shaft"

C: "that's a big head there."

M: should I clean my balls?

C: well, my sac's done).  Contrary to these 3 examples, the need to stifle laughter isn't always a result of references to male genitalia as I also am obsessed with bathroom humor. I'll spare you, but just know that my six-year old even sometimes tells me to please stop being so gross. Whatevs. 

I am hoping that the older I get, the younger I'll get. Life is serious, but no need to take it too seriously.  Play video games, read meaningless books, speak in shorthand, lick the bowl when you bake, laugh hysterically at natural bodily functions, daydream, imagine, pretend.  #yolo 

My Ignorance of the Agony of infertility

I don't understand. 

Some women, including myself, may say that they gain weight by just looking at a cookie.  This is how it is with me and pregnancy. The moment I stop taking my pills, all I have to do is think about an orgasm, and BAM! Nine months later a baby pops out. (Incidentally I'm so thankful I didn't give into my wild animal instincts before saying, "I do" or I would definitely have 15 kids by now.) I don't tell you this to brag about my hospitable lady parts and my husband's super-strength sperm;  I tell you this because I want you to know that I know what women struggling with infertility already clearly know:  I have ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE SINGLE CLUE about the pain of infertility.   If I tried to say that I understood or offer some kind of trite encouragement, you would walk away cursing my insensitivity, and I would deserve it. I have 3 children who were conceived and born at the exact time that I planned, without Clomid, shots, countless miscarriages,  months going by with yet another negative test, or calendars that tell me when I need to plan to have sex. 

I don't know why it happened that way for me and it hasn't happened that way for you. There is nothing I've done to deserve it and there is nothing you've done that deserves whatever depth and width of feelings you experience and how your experience impacts your day to day life. There is nothing about your pain and circumstance that I understand and I really want you to know that I know that I don't understand and I don't want to ever pretend that I do. I don't know how you feel. 

Since I don't know how you feel, and I recognize this clearly, I often don't know what to say; therefore, I opt for saying nothing at all.  I don't understand and I don't know how you feel, but I do care.  I care deeply.  I see you and I love you. You literally claim the top spot in my prayer book and there are so many times in so many different settings that I am prompted to offer bold prayers on your behalf, believing and claiming miracles and comfort and hope. 

I can't understand. I've heard and witnessed the journeys of too many of those closest to me, but I just don't know what you are going through.  As one of my most beloved friends was at the peak of her incredibly long and agonizing journey, I found out that I was pregnant with Judah, my second child. I am committed to ensuring that those closest to me find out big life news through a phone call, rather than through Facebook, or even a text message, and so, I said a prayer and dialed her number to tell her the good news.  As expected, she sincerely expressed pure and selfless joy and excitement and celebrated with me with incredible love and grace. I didn't mention how this news must be impacting her. I didn't acknowledge how my happy news would probably magnify her pain; she wouldn't have wanted me to say anything. She is so good and concerned for others that I knew she wanted this to be my moment, and I leaned into that. I didn't say anything, but as soon as I hung up the phone, my face fell into my hands and I cried uncontrollably. I imagine that she may have done the same. I don't understand, but I do see you. I do love you.

I won't say that "God has a plan" or that "You should have a little more faith", because this isn't because God has decided to do this to you or because your faith is stale. I won't tell you that there are lots of children who need to be adopted or that you should just quit thinking about it and it will just happen in God's perfect timing, because these words will not help you. I won't try to relate by telling you about the one miscarriage I had in between the births of my healthy children, because it's just not the same. It's not. 

I don't understand, but I'll listen and I'll love you. I'll weep with you and rejoice with you ; I'll give you some space or I'll give you a shoulder to cry on. When I don't know what to say, I'll remain silent.  And I won't stop praying.

My Shout Out to Friendship

Friendship used to come with a bit more ease. Lifelong friendships that began with giggles about our crushes and the code names we (I) gave them like chicken sandwich and strawberry. (Why my secret names always revolved around food I have no idea. Oh wait, yes I do.  Food, glorious food.) Bonds formed through intense shared experiences like weeks at camp, a traveling choir, and trips across the country for conferences with thousands of other teenagers. Later there was laughter and tears in college dorm rooms, late nights in greasy local restaurants drinking cheap coffee, and weekly dinners followed by long nights studying with the occasional dance party break. (An obligatory shout out to 50 Cent needs to be inserted here.) There are a few friendships that were formed during high school, college and grad school that provide strength and familiarity and remind me who I am and I have no doubt will continue to carry me through life. These are the friends who have seen me at my best and my worst, stood up with me when I said, "I do," and who my husband tells me to call when he no longer knows what to do with the crazy spewing out from my life. 

The older I have gotten, the more I have struggled with the ease of friendship. More lonely tears have been shed in my adult life than I care to recall.  I am beyond thankful for the life long companion, partner and best friend I have found in my husband; I would fight anyone who says they have better sisters or parents than I do.  I would choose them as my closest friends over and over again.  And yet, I am wired to live in deep, overwhelming, life-giving community. For my soul to be refreshed and full, I want loud parties and gatherings where I can be exactly who I am and I also need to sit across the table from a person I trust over a cup of coffee or a basket (or three) of tortilla chips and be encouraged, challenged, and loved. To be known.  Where I am. Right now. 

My life long friends are a phone call away, and they can't be replaced. Ever. But I long for face to face, week to week contact with people; friendship in which we mutually, physically, literally walk the present journey together.  This is the space where I have experienced the lack of ease in friendship past the age of twenty-two.  New friendships at this stage of life are hard work. Or are they?

It's been over a year now since a face that had become familiar to me showed up at my office with a book in her hand, inviting me to enter the world of bold prayers that this book had invited her into and, more importantly, she humbly asked me to be her friend. I had wrongfully assumed that she already had plenty of friends, as I am sure she had of me. The truth is, no matter how much it appears that we have it all together, we all need a friend or two or ten. The start to this friendship was different than any others. She boldly gave the invitation for friendship and I gratefully checked the yes box and we just decided to make an effort to become friends. Her courage inspired me to quit sitting on the fence and waiting, but instead to put myself out there and claim the community and friendship that I was made for. 

This means that I now regularly sit across the table from someone I trust and we mutually pour out our souls; I chose to let my guard down and now I enjoy ridiculous group text discussions that make me laugh until I cry, football parties with screaming kids and good conversation, early morning "oatmeal crew" breakfasts where the laughter is spiritual and the endless cups of cheap coffee forge trust between us, and it means I can call out for prayer and help and on the days when I need it most and I get to experience the joy of offering the same to another. 

Life is for living and sharing and giving.  I need you, my friends, because I can't do this life thing on my own. 

I am living and it is good.