The Universal Language

"Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Ephesians 5:1,2

The languages of love, laughter, and music know no boundaries and allow people from every nation to offer the beautiful fragrance of Christ to one another in a way that brings hope, healing, and peace and brings a beacon of light that covers darkness and pain.  The language of love permeated every encounter and conversation with the amazing people of Haiti. Smiles and hugs united us in miraculous ways and laughter and music gave us heart connections that won't be quickly forgotten. 

I sensed the laughter as I offered to help a woman wash her clothes in the government built canal.  She laughed as I tried and laughed as she rewashed the items I had washed after I walked away.  We all have our own ways of doing things!

The laughter of children rang throughout the village as our team painted their fingernails, got schooled in a soccer game and as they taught us their Haitian games. Laughter brought joy and magnified our shared humanity and God's character. 

As our team passed the time singing our favorite songs as we washed dishes one evening, our beautiful Haitian cooks joined in, singing in their own language "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!"  We sang common songs with our translators as we travelled on the back of the bus and painted a porch in a village, reminders of God's grace and unchanging presence.

Two little girls dragged me across the village to the village playground, only to sit down we with me and begin to sing "Bless The Lord, O my soul. Worship his holy name" first in English and then in Creole. As we painted a home, the children flocked as they heard the resounding voices of our team. "Mwen genyen jwa, jwa, jwa, jwa an dedenke Mwen!" They joined in as we sang about the joy of the Lord down in our hearts in their native tongue. 

As we worshipped with the Church of Hope, the entire congregation sprang to their feet as the final notes rang from the Haitian woman, who sang with unmatched fervor and passion (and volume!) "It is well, it is well with my soul!"  The Haitian people cried out to God in song, "Let it rain, let it rain!  Open the floodgates of heaven!"  We joined in, a prayer for a people not only in need of the spiritual living water of Jesus, but with an ever present need to have their physical thirst quenched in a land where rivers and streams have gone dry. 

We sang as our team washed each other's feet, following the example of Jesus, who loved and served the least of these and offers us the privilege to do the same. We washed one another's feet, feet dirty from the dust; weary, joyful, and obedient feet boldly proclaiming God's love. 

A team member sang a quiet lullaby as she held a 4 month old baby suffering with fever and pain from a virus obtained from a mosquito as we prayed for complete healing. The concrete walls of a small one room shack echoed the triumph of "Amazing Grace" where a man begged us to pray for a better way of life for his family, his wife and their 8 month old baby, who was lying naked on the bed,  his nakedness a refuge from the heat. We claimed through song that we never walk alone and of God's infinite faithfulness as we gave medicine to a woman long suffering with heartburn and the ramifications of high blood pressure and no money or means to get to the clinic.  As a young girl taught me a game where we clapped our hands together in a repetitive pattern, I began to sing "Jesus loves me" and she repeated each line after me, her smile piercing my heart. The love of Jesus is without limit. 

The languages of love and laughter and music are gifts that we gave and that were selflessly returned back to us as we lived among our Haitian brothers and sisters. God makes a way for all people to experience God's love regardless of race, culture or country, whether living in poverty or with wealth.  Embracing God's language of love everyday, moment by moment, in every relationship and in every circumstance has the power to change a life, change a community, change the world. 

The Heart of a Child

Walking through the old streets of St. Augustine, the narrow and necessary focus was making sure that all seven kids were accounted for each and every moment since the reality is that one of them could bolt and disappear if this focus was thwarted for even a second.  

Even with my singular focus, I couldn't help but notice the couple who had stopped to talk to the homeless woman sitting against the brick wall on the side of the street.  The man spoke to her in a jovial tone, asking her questions and talking to her with respect.  The woman was kneeling next to her, looking her in the eye as she spoke to her.  As we passed, I heard the woman ask if she could she pray for her.  She reached for her hand.  "That would be great."  

We continued to walk slowly down the cobble stone road, so thankful for the love of God's people.  We passed another homeless man moments later and right after we passed, I heard the kind voice of a woman, "Hi John!  How are you today?"  My thankfulness turned to joy. It was the same couple.  This was their gift. 

Quickly my thoughts turned to choosing an ice cream flavor and corralling children.  As I ate my salted caramel scoop with extra caramel from Kilwin's, I noticed my oldest niece, Emma, hugging her dad tightly.  My first thought was that there was more drama. The children had been taking turns crying over small things all day long. What now?  I soon learned that Emma had seen the homeless woman and wanted to use the money she had been saving to buy her some food.  

The 15 of us walked back the way we came and when we got to the place where the homeless woman sat, Emma stopped and asked if she had anything to eat today.  "I've had a little something." Most of us stood at a distance, while Keira and Judah hovered closely, standing right next to Emma and looking back and forth, their curiosity demanding that they take in the conversation.  Emma talked and smiled comfortably and placed money in the woman's jar and soon the interaction was over.

Our crew began to walk down the street again, Judah racing up to grab Emma's hand. "Emma!  That was so nice of you to do that!  That was so nice of you!"  

I couldn't keep the tears from falling, so thankful for the love of Jesus flowing through the heart of a child freely, while my own children looked on, learning truth and grace through their cousin that they look up to and watch. 

Lord, give me the heart of a child, to be moved and to act with boldness and confidence and not to get so bogged down with the pressures of life that I miss the simplicity and beauty and possibilities in the passing moments.  Give me the heart of a child. Love. 

Goal # 3: Confessions of Defeat

"I feel like a pawn in your game."

"What's going on?  I'm asleep."

"Again??!?!"

These are just some of the quotes from my sweet husband during the course of my 35 day intercourse challenge. My responses?

"I'm doing this for you! If it's on my checklist, it WILL happen.  Stop complaining and take your pants off."

"Wake up!  New position to try!"

"At least you are getting it more than twice a month!"

Oh by the way, if sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you should just go ahead and close this page. It's about to get real up in here. 

I knew when I set the goal to have sex 35 times in 35 days that it would not be easy. After the goal was set, I realized that I would be in a different state than my husband for 6 of those days and I experienced at least 4 of the most tired days I can remember during this time frame. Coitus was enjoyed a total of 23 times. 

Not only did I fail, but I failed miserably.  

I do not like to fail. The point of making goals is to reach them, not to only do 66% of the work. This is an F in some classes and I am a solid A student.  Even as I write this, my disappointment is beginning to increase. I temporarily quit my second round of seminary just because I couldn't handle getting a B... And now I've earned a solid D-, even on the scales of gracious professors, in sex. A D- in SEX. Great job, Tamara. Just great. 

I failed, but I also had sex twenty-three times. 23 times in 35 days and I've been married 9.5 years. TWENTY-THREE times. 

By the middle of the second week of the challenge, the roles in our relationship started to reverse... and it was pretty entertaining. All of a sudden it was Matt saying how tired he was and claiming that he needed to reboot, particularly on those days when I was demanding that we jump each other more than once.  I may have failed, but our marriage has been lighthearted and fun and we connected.  I decided I wanted to be more intentional about making sure that physical intimacy is a priority because I know that truly healthy marriages need that, and physical intimacy did happen. Twenty-three times, by the way. 

I failed, but from the moment I posted my goal setting blog, conversations started opening up in so many of my circles. Here's the thing: women need to talk and they need to talk about sex in a healthy way and married women don't talk about sex quite enough, particularly in Christian circles. As I talked with women, we found that many of us struggle with similar issues when it comes to our sex lives.  These conversations spawned encouragement, laughter, grace, and the desire to embrace more fully the beauty and gift of healthy and good sex within marriage, even the midst of our crazy and chaotic lives.

A good friend told me that she couldn't believe I'd post sex stuff on my blog for the world to read, especially given my work with college students and preacher status.  It's certainly not for everyone to make private matters more public, but I embrace the gift of doing so.  I choose to live my life as an open book and readily invite uncomfortable conversations about real life. I am committed to approaching these conversations from the perspective of faith and shutting  them down if the content is not healthy, if the audience is not appropriate, or if it just isn't the right time. 

I failed, but do you want to talk?  I'll talk to you.  (I'm secretly hoping men have quit reading this by now.  In case this isn't clear, this invitation is extended to women only.). If not me, find a spiritual sister you can chat it up with.  But here are the rules: absolutely no husband bashing or comparing.  Got it?  Ever since my major areas of study in college and grad school had me taking a plethora courses with sex as the subject matter, I've loved talking about sex.  In seminary a good friend of mine referred to me as her "sex friend" whenever she had a question. (It's funny how I had all the answers before I got married and actually started having sex.  I became completely clueless when that happened.) I may have failed, but I didn't expect to encounter such rich and real conversation.  I've experientially remembered that sex talk is one of my niches. One of those places I feel at home. So, there's that. And there's 23 times. That's right, folks. Twenty-three. 

23 times. I'm starting to feel better about this, but then I remember that we had sex 21 times during the 5.5 days of our honeymoon and I feel like a failure again.  

But then I remember that by all accounts, the honeymoon is way over, we are closing in on 10 years of marriage, raising 3 children, excelling in demanding careers, and getting up at 5 a.m. almost every morning to have Shawn T kick our butts.  We are almost completely caught up on the many TV shows we watch together and continue to have meaningful and good conversations with one another.  We are preparing to go on a mission trip to Haiti together, together we manage our family and home, show our kids who Jesus is the best that we can everyday and work together to build and maintain new and old friendships.  We get up at the crack of dawn, go to bed late at night, and our days are overwhelmingly full with pressure and responsibility, while we also enjoy work and play, Zumba and softball and family movie nights.  And we threw sex in there, 23 freakin' times. 

I didn't meet my goal, but sparks flew and good sex habits were formed. 

I didn't have sex 35 times, but connection and reconnection and intimacy was present. 

Unexpected talks with women were purposeful and good.  

My marriage is solid and good from every angle. 

Maybe I didn't fail after all. 

"You're amazing!"

"Where do you want to do it tonight?"

"You are the best wife ever."

"I know baby, I know."

"Wherever you want to!"

"Well, you are pretty awesomesauce yourself."

66% never felt so good.