"I don't want to be just one thing." -Divergent (Veronica Roth)
I have become completely sucked into the world of Divergent and it has become my mission to suck in as many other people as possible in with me. This has led to way too much time spent taking online quizzes to determine which faction I belong in, hours of conversations guessing what faction others would be in, group texts where the single word "Four" prompts a collective "aaahhh...", a finely crafted email to the author (wait, what? Did I actually do that?), endless eye rolls from my husband ("Are you talking about that book again?"), and spiritual connection revelations that destroy the focus I should have on my real and present life for at least 24 hours. This all has culminated in an 11 PM viewing of the movie premiere which symbolizes the Choosing Ceremony. We must wear our factions and choose. My anxiety and excitement is settling in as if this is the real thing. Maybe it is.
It has been nearly impossible for me to determine which faction I belong in. There has never been a question which faction I would choose, but is that faction actually me? This has caused a bit of an identity crisis for me because I consider myself a fairly self-aware person. If I am self-aware, why can I not determine my faction?
Just like there has never been a question in my heart which faction I would choose, I have also never had any doubt that I. Am. Divergent.
I am anything but one dimensional.
I want to write and teach and speak. I could open a cafe, become a personal trainer, or be a wedding planner. My photography is decent. I can write songs and run long distances and decorate cakes. I have strengths in strategy, execution, influencing and relationship building. I am loud and quiet, opinionated and compliant.
I am Divergent. I actually believe that everyone is Divergent, but that is a debate for another day.
I am Divergent. But I have to choose.
It has been a struggle because I know what I want to choose, what I must choose, but it's just like everything else in my life. I overthink, analyze to the point of confusion, and wonder what others will think of my decision. The multiple online quizzes I have taken always give me different results. I've talked about it way too much and gotten almost angry when my husband kept choosing Candor for me when I read him faction descriptions, my clear 4th faction choice. I've gone about choosing all wrong. In the world of Divergent, you aren't allowed to talk with anyone about your choice until the choice is made at the Choosing Ceremony and it just doesn't matter much what anyone else thinks. It's not the bogus quizzes or the eye raises I get when I choose, it's knowing what I want, what I need, what I believe. It's the process of looking back over my life and recognizing what I strive toward and hope for and how I can live out the dreams that rest at the core of my dreams with purpose.
I have always known what the clear choice is for me, but I have also had to eliminate all of the other choices.
I just couldn't choose Abnegation. The drab gray dress code would be reason enough for me to disregard this faction completely. Beyond that, I recognize that I am incredibly selfish. The truth is, I do act in selfless ways and put others before myself regularly and the reason I am able to do this is 100% because of Jesus, but it's not natural. My heart has to be submitted in order for my selfish thoughts to be transformed into selfless action. This is a good thing and I'm going to keep living this way and I'm going to get better at it, but there is no way I could choose Abnegation. It seems that this faction goes beyond selflessness to unhealthy self-denial and I've already been down that road and it's not happening again. As a final affirmation to eliminate this faction choice completely, when I read the descriptions to my husband for him to offer feedback, he literally covered his mouth to unsuccessfully cover the laughter. ("Sits quietly and is careful not to draw any unnecessary attention to themself." Um, no. Can we say bright pink go-go boots and children who cry when I sing too loud?)
Candor. No. I do value honesty. A lot. The whole concept of a white lie gets under my skin like crazy. However, it also Burns. Me. Up. when people share information, although true, prematurely or unnecessarily or in a way that hurts another just because they "couldn't lie." I just don't consider myself a "Candor smart mouth" (and I'm pretty sure this isn't a blind spot!). They also wear black and white clothing because they see the truth as black and white and, well, I don't.
The Erudite are always on a quest for more knowledge, studying and learning and believing that knowledge will solve the faults of society. There is no doubt that I love the learning process and I generally just like to know things. I like post-graduate degrees and the classroom. However, I'm not going to choose to spend my free time reading a book that is going to make me smart or watch the news. I'm going to read Divergent and watch Scandal. Perhaps that is all I need to say about that.
This leaves only one faction to eliminate before my choice becomes clear. I am sure that all (two) of my readers (who have made it this far) are on the edge of their seats.
I value peace and friendship and laughter. I'm not convinced, however, that days filled with apple picking would quite do it for me. (Unless I could always be the person climbing to the top of the tree to get the apples on the highest limb. Maybe with that stipulation. Maybe?) Music and art are wonderful and good, but the inability to disagree could become a prison cell and I believe that conflict can lead to necessary change and growth. I cannot choose Amity.
And so, I go to the Choosing Ceremony at the Hub knowing what I will choose; my moment has come. I cut my hand and my blood drips over the coals. As the blood spills, my life flashes before my eyes, both the past and the future, and my choice is made with no regrets and with no fear.
My tattoo says "Here am I, Send Me" in Hebrew (Isaiah 6:8). I am ready for an adventure. Any adventure. It wouldn't even occur to me to say no.
I once had an entire closet where I stored all my black clothing. And I love dying my hair and changing it incessantly. So, there's that.
I spent half of my childhood up a tree and climbed as high as I possibly could. I love to climb and jump and fall. It makes me feel alive and makes my heart beat fast.
Several years ago I spent 3 days seriously considering joining the military. I researched boot camp and my heart beat rapidly with excitement. I would have dove into this adventure and accepted this challenge if I hadn't made the decision to remain physically present with my children. Even considering this option brought me to life again in places where I had fallen asleep and become discontent and dissatisfied. I could do it. I can do anything.
I cried in eighth grade when the potential of an overseas transition for my family didn't come to pass and welcomed the challenge of moving to a new high school my senior year. I love change and new and the unknown. Bring. It. On.
I raised my hand immediately when the tour coordinator needed a volunteer to go to a host home alone while my college choir toured Europe. I spent the night in an unknown city in another land with a middle aged woman and a Finnish to English dictionary. It never occurred to me to be afraid. It brought me to life.
I slapped a guy 6 years older than me (across the face, no less) the summer after 7th grade when I caught wind that he was making derogatory comments about me. Don't mess with me or someone I love. It will not be pretty.
I love maneuvering through airports and cities on my own, running in storms, and I face uncertainty head on. I love the subway and the city bus and small talk with strangers.
Risks are not scary; they are necessary and important and good. I'll take the risk, give up everything, climb higher, dive deeper, pull myself onto a moving train, jump off a building, climb to the top of a Ferris wheel and I won't look back if it means that I can protect and love others well, make an impact, embrace my purpose. I want to be brave. No matter what.
There is also this thing I have with fear. The thing is that I am anti-fear. I believe that fear is paralyzing and keeps us from true freedom and fear is the last place I want it live. Fear causes selfishness and dishonesty. I have no room for fear if I want to live in freedom. And I do want to live freely and so I do. I live in freedom.
It takes courage to tell the truth.
It takes courage to learn and understand deeply and even more courage to disregard knowledge when life demands an openness to what is unknown and cannot be proven or studied.
It takes bravery to move beyond simplistic peace to truth.
Courage is required to look beyond one's self to the needs of others.
I am Divergent. I choose Dauntless.
