"I feel like a pawn in your game."
"What's going on? I'm asleep."
"Again??!?!"
These are just some of the quotes from my sweet husband during the course of my 35 day intercourse challenge. My responses?
"I'm doing this for you! If it's on my checklist, it WILL happen. Stop complaining and take your pants off."
"Wake up! New position to try!"
"At least you are getting it more than twice a month!"
Oh by the way, if sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you should just go ahead and close this page. It's about to get real up in here.
I knew when I set the goal to have sex 35 times in 35 days that it would not be easy. After the goal was set, I realized that I would be in a different state than my husband for 6 of those days and I experienced at least 4 of the most tired days I can remember during this time frame. Coitus was enjoyed a total of 23 times.
Not only did I fail, but I failed miserably.
I do not like to fail. The point of making goals is to reach them, not to only do 66% of the work. This is an F in some classes and I am a solid A student. Even as I write this, my disappointment is beginning to increase. I temporarily quit my second round of seminary just because I couldn't handle getting a B... And now I've earned a solid D-, even on the scales of gracious professors, in sex. A D- in SEX. Great job, Tamara. Just great.
I failed, but I also had sex twenty-three times. 23 times in 35 days and I've been married 9.5 years. TWENTY-THREE times.
By the middle of the second week of the challenge, the roles in our relationship started to reverse... and it was pretty entertaining. All of a sudden it was Matt saying how tired he was and claiming that he needed to reboot, particularly on those days when I was demanding that we jump each other more than once. I may have failed, but our marriage has been lighthearted and fun and we connected. I decided I wanted to be more intentional about making sure that physical intimacy is a priority because I know that truly healthy marriages need that, and physical intimacy did happen. Twenty-three times, by the way.
I failed, but from the moment I posted my goal setting blog, conversations started opening up in so many of my circles. Here's the thing: women need to talk and they need to talk about sex in a healthy way and married women don't talk about sex quite enough, particularly in Christian circles. As I talked with women, we found that many of us struggle with similar issues when it comes to our sex lives. These conversations spawned encouragement, laughter, grace, and the desire to embrace more fully the beauty and gift of healthy and good sex within marriage, even the midst of our crazy and chaotic lives.
A good friend told me that she couldn't believe I'd post sex stuff on my blog for the world to read, especially given my work with college students and preacher status. It's certainly not for everyone to make private matters more public, but I embrace the gift of doing so. I choose to live my life as an open book and readily invite uncomfortable conversations about real life. I am committed to approaching these conversations from the perspective of faith and shutting them down if the content is not healthy, if the audience is not appropriate, or if it just isn't the right time.
I failed, but do you want to talk? I'll talk to you. (I'm secretly hoping men have quit reading this by now. In case this isn't clear, this invitation is extended to women only.). If not me, find a spiritual sister you can chat it up with. But here are the rules: absolutely no husband bashing or comparing. Got it? Ever since my major areas of study in college and grad school had me taking a plethora courses with sex as the subject matter, I've loved talking about sex. In seminary a good friend of mine referred to me as her "sex friend" whenever she had a question. (It's funny how I had all the answers before I got married and actually started having sex. I became completely clueless when that happened.) I may have failed, but I didn't expect to encounter such rich and real conversation. I've experientially remembered that sex talk is one of my niches. One of those places I feel at home. So, there's that. And there's 23 times. That's right, folks. Twenty-three.
23 times. I'm starting to feel better about this, but then I remember that we had sex 21 times during the 5.5 days of our honeymoon and I feel like a failure again.
But then I remember that by all accounts, the honeymoon is way over, we are closing in on 10 years of marriage, raising 3 children, excelling in demanding careers, and getting up at 5 a.m. almost every morning to have Shawn T kick our butts. We are almost completely caught up on the many TV shows we watch together and continue to have meaningful and good conversations with one another. We are preparing to go on a mission trip to Haiti together, together we manage our family and home, show our kids who Jesus is the best that we can everyday and work together to build and maintain new and old friendships. We get up at the crack of dawn, go to bed late at night, and our days are overwhelmingly full with pressure and responsibility, while we also enjoy work and play, Zumba and softball and family movie nights. And we threw sex in there, 23 freakin' times.
I didn't meet my goal, but sparks flew and good sex habits were formed.
I didn't have sex 35 times, but connection and reconnection and intimacy was present.
Unexpected talks with women were purposeful and good.
My marriage is solid and good from every angle.
Maybe I didn't fail after all.
"You're amazing!"
"Where do you want to do it tonight?"
"You are the best wife ever."
"I know baby, I know."
"Wherever you want to!"
"Well, you are pretty awesomesauce yourself."
66% never felt so good.
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