The Gift

I will never forget the night that God laughed at me.

It was early in the second semester of my senior year of college and I was trapped in my tormented thoughts that life was not turning out as I had planned.  I had shamelessly set out to earn my MRS. degree during my four years of college and I realized on this historic night that this was not going to happen unless an unprecedented miracle occurred in the next 3 months.  It had been over a year and a half since my last relationship had ended.  I had thought that he was "the one" and I thought that I would never recover from him.  Even if I really wanted to recover and move on, I hadn't had a date since and I was constantly aware that I had become the perpetual "friend."  I spent a good majority of my time with guys, some whom I was secretly madly in love with, who were oblivious to the reality that my heart was pining after them because I hid it so well and convincingly acted like I agreed when they would say things like, "We could never date.  We are too good of friends."

On the night that I witnessed God's laughter, I may have heard a phrase such as this one too many times.  I entered my apartment late at night, long after my roommates had gone to bed.  As I laid my head on my pillow, the tears began to flow and I buried my face to cover my sobs.  For the first time in my life I was exceedingly grateful for the loud, signature deep sleep moans of my cousin across the room and the steady, gentle breathing of my other two roommates assured me that my tears could remain a secret.

As my heart pounded and I tried to control the trembling that was taking over my body while my eyes burned with tears, I heard God laugh.  I knew it was God and I knew that God was laughing.  I was not amused.  Why was God laughing?  I was crying and God was laughing.  I realized after a moment that God was not really laughing at me.  In these moments, God's laughter represented God's love.

As a parent, I think that I can better understand God's laughter in the midst of my tears.  Sometimes Judah is absolutely wailing about something unbelievably petty that will pass in an instant and all I can do is laugh because he is so precious and because I love him so much.  I think this is what God's laughter was about on that night.

God's laughter got my attention and then I sensed God's voice.  "I have the most amazing Gift for you."

The most amazing gift?  God, what is it?  What is the Gift?

God's voice and laughter in the midst of my pain has been a promise that I have treasured ever since that night.

Laughter fills my government subsidized apartment as my new friends choke down the chicken chili that I have accidentally loaded with paprika instead of chili powder.  My graduate school education will earn me more than a degree; these are memories and friendships that will sustain me for a lifetime.  God, is this the Gift?

I sit in the City Hall of a tiny town in West Virginia with some sweet old men sharing a cup of stale coffee and chatting about life in the midst of a summer that changed my life.  God, is this the Gift?

The doors open and I begin to sing as I walk down the aisle.  I see the man that I love standing at the other end waiting for me, tears streaming down his face.  On this day we pledge our love and commitment to one another and embark on the adventure of life together.  This is it, isn't it God?  This is the Gift.

Over 50 teenagers and adults crowd a meeting space in the basement of a hotel in the mountains of Tennessee, filling the room with worship and reflections of their lives being changed.  I treasure these moments and feel so privileged to walk alongside these students at this time in their lives.  I steal a glance at my husband across the room and I can see that he feels the same, our eyes both cloudy with tears.  This must be the Gift, right God?

The doctor places a tiny baby in my arms.  She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  Matt presses his cheek against mine as we take in the miracle of this precious life.  I have a daughter.  Is this the Gift, God?

"I would like to offer you a position as a Resident Director."  I will be returning to my alma mater to live among college students.  My husband and our new baby and I will be embarking on an adventure that will shape and change us.  Once I get there I fall completely in love with the women that I have the opportunity to lead.  God, is this the Gift?

My husband looks shocked as he tells me that it's a boy and that boy's tiny body is plopped upon my stomach.  How is it possible that I have been entrusted with yet another beautiful life?  I have a son.  Is this the Gift, God?

I stand before a crowd of nearly one thousand people proclaiming the Word of God with God-blessed power and authority in the sanctuary of a place that shaped me during my formative years in college when I first received the promise of the Gift.  God, is this the gift I've been waiting for?

The sales associate announces that my measurements show that I wear a C-cup.  (If you don't understand the significance of this, read my post from July 4, "Make Time for Shake Time.")  Dear Lord, is this the gift?!

I return once again to the place that has long been home to me, this time as an Assistant Dean in the residence life program.  My heart beats for this ministry and I can't wait for all that this journey entails.  Is this this Gift?

I sit, peacefully aware of the gentle movements of my unborn child while watching my husband and children run across the beach, chasing a football, splashing in the water, and laughing.  Their laughter is the most beautiful sound, I am convinced of it.  This is it, isn't it God?  This is the Gift?

I am coming to understand that it is all the Gift.  The Gift is all of the moments and blessings of my life woven together to form a perfect tapestry.  It is the Gift that gives me hope when life does not seem to be turning out as I have planned or I don't think I can survive if one more thing goes wrong.  It is the Gift that assures me that God always has everything under control even when I am too stubborn or self-absorbed to see it.  The Gift is life.