My Fear Landscape

In lieu of the Insurgent premiere it seems apropos to finally put into words my fear landscape.  In the first book of the Divergent series, Dauntless initiates are put into a simulation and must face their worst fears and find a way to overcome them in order to move on to the next stage of training and be welcomed into the Dauntless faction. Given my near, or possibly full blown, obsession with all things Divergent, and my Dauntless choice, it is only natural that I should give full consideration to discovering my fear landscape and identifying ways to overcome these fears. 

Identifying the fears for my personal fear landscape is somewhat of a challenge. I have revisited some of the nightmares from my childhood that are still vivid in my memory. Could these reveal deep seated fears?  I had a recurring nightmare involving getting to school and then realizing I forgot to wear my shoes. However, I don't actually think I have a fear of bare feet; rather, it is more likely that these dreams were a foreshadowing of my extreme love for shoes.  I also remember a dream involving a giant rock man chasing me. (Imagine a snowman built out of rocks with trees for arms, standing 12 feet tall.) Some time after having this recurring dream, I realized that I was associating the personified rock man with Satan, and let me tell ya, I am NOT afraid of that dumb loser.  I happen to be super tight with the One with way more power than that sorry ass has.  So, that knocks weird rock man out of my landscape. 

A lot of people are scared of clowns, but not me.  I actually had a borderline creepy love for the movie "It" growing up. 

I used to be scared of losing my mind, but the older I get, I realize there is no escaping this. I am going to lose my mind someday, so I might as well embrace it. 

So what am I afraid of?

Fear #1:  CROWS

A few summers ago, when Keira was a baby and I was a Resident Director, there was a strange infestation of crows that flooded AU's campus at night. On several occasions, I arrived home with my baby, otherwise alone, while Matt was working, and opened my car door to the sound of literally thousands of crows hovering and squawking overhead. The sound was deafening and I knew that I had to shield my baby and run the 30 feet to the door to get into the residence hall like our lives depended it. I imagined them swarming us and pecking us to death.  Once inside, I could still hear him, squawking their angry death threats and my imagination went crazy.  I just knew they were going to decide to all slam into the windows at once and infest our apartment and leave us all for dead.  I slept with Keira close and prayed that we would live to see the morning. Crows would definitely make the cut for my fear landscape. 

Fear #2:  CATS

When I was 9 years old, I bought a kitten at a church auction for a quarter and named her Cheerio.  Since we lived near fields and farms, it wasn't long until Cheerio was taken advantage of and impregnated by some deadbeat tomcat. This began a stream of kittens being born in our garage.  Cheerio had to the be the youngest great grandma in history. I don't even want to know what kind of crazy incest was going on.  There could have even been a cat brothel being run out of the local preacher's home for all we know. It was disturbing. And then it got worse. Eventually all the kittens were either given away or ran away into the fields never to return,  Cheerio's run in the Dreger home was over, and we were all somewhat relieved. Until.  Until winter rolled around and a group of stray cats discovered our crawl space. I would wake in the night to the horrific sounds of cats mating and fighting. One night, after hearing the most terrifying sounds I have heard coming from living creatures right outside my window, I fell back asleep and had a dream. My dad crawled under the house to get the cats out and the scary cats killed him. The cats killed my dad. Stupid Cheerio. One does not recover from that. I still feel my body chill and my breath quicken when a cat enters a room. Cats are unpredictable and just plain creepy.  Seriously, I will kill spiders with my bare hands, but keep your cute little kitten away from me. 

Fear #3:  BEING ALONE

Okay, I have issues. Don't judge me. You have issues too. If you don't know you have issues, you need to get a grip, get a counselor, or just get over yourself. We all have issues, got it?  This is one of mine. I just don't like to be alone. This fear is not even about being void of meaningful relationships; it is literally about physically being myself.  It also is not about physical vulnerability that may occur while by myself.  I'm not afraid of the boogie man.  I just don't like being alone. Being by myself makes me too emotionally vulnerable.  There. I said it.   (Issues, issues...) I was a complete lobby rat in college. I didn't go up to my room until I knew for sure that I would fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I recognized this as an issue 15 years ago and knew that I should overcome it so I got an apartment by myself when I went to grad school. It. Was. Miserable. It was miserable until I made friends and began having constant dinner parties or staying out with them until my head was ready to hit the pillow.  Before that, I just cried all the time and spent the other dead space talking on the phone. I tried being by myself one more time, but I met Matt one month into that stint and didn't have to suffer through it for long. Being alone is just overrated. I do enjoy thinking and reflecting, but why?  Why be alone when you don't have to be?  My fear landscape would involve me sitting in a white room all by myself with no way to escape.  

Fear #4:  UNKNOWN

My imagination is pretty crazy. I have sort of an irrational fear of being in a car accident involving driving into a body of water. This could potentially be in my fear landscape, except I have it completely planned out how I would get out of this mess. I have thought through every detail of how my entire family could be saved in this particular scenario. There is no way that anyone can prepare for how they may respond to unexpected death or illness. I have a feeling that I wouldn't respond to it very well. I wouldn't respond very well at all, but I've thought about it.  I know that these experiences are inevitable and I have a sense of readiness. Survival is possible with faith. However, there is this broad category of unknown that could potentially elicit fear. What about tragedies and challenges that I haven't thought of or already turned over in my mind?  What about utter and complete loss of control?  This is fairly broad, but this fear can be summed up as uncharted catastrophe. 

Fear #5: STATUS QUO SLAVERY

I must have the hope of adventure. I fear emptiness and lack of purpose. If I were trapped in a world without the hope of something new, it would be torture. 

The lyrics from one of my fave Nichole Nordeman songs speaks to this...

So long,status quo, I think I just let go

You make me wanna be brave

The way it always was is no longer good enough

You make me wanna be brave

Brave, brave

I am small and I speak when I'm spoken to

But I am willing to risk it all

I say Your name, just Your name

And I'm ready to jump

Even ready to fall

So long, status quo

You make me wanna be brave. 

Fear #6:  THREATS TO MY FAMILY

I love them like crazy. 

And that's it. There could be more fears that could crop up in my landscape, but I'm not much for fear. I'm kind of over it. 

Fear is a thief. It is paralyzing and it is the thief of the incredible freedom that we have the opportunity to embrace through Christ. I refuse to live in fear. I kick fear in the face.  I slam fear into the darkness and shine a light that says, "Get away from me, you little pansy cake!  You are not allowed up in here."  And then I go on living with hope and I don't look back. 

Amanda Cook and Bethel Music:

I have heard You calling my name

I have heard the song of love that You sing

So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore

Into Your grace

Your grace

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises you made

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

Because Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

You are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You've made a way for all to enter in

A Passionate Young Life

My second baby turned 5 on Saturday. 

I was reflecting this morning on how easily he made his entrance into the world, especially compared to my two girls.  I sexed, bounced, and spicy food-ed myself into an easy labor.  The contractions were simple and I had time to fix my hair and make-up before heading to the hospital in plenty of time to receive an epidural before the pain got crazy and less than two hours later he came out in two easy pushes.  Matt was so stunned that we had a boy that he just stared in wonder and muttered a confused, “no” when asked if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord.   For some reason, we both had anticipated being a family of all girls.  Judah Lynn surprised us.  And he continues to surprise us.  

His very early days as an infant were easy, apart from the occasional spraying poo.  He slept well, ate well, and seemed very easy going and laid back.  I am not entirely sure when that all changed.  Looking back, I remember that about 6 months after he was born, I realized that immediately after he was born, I reverted to my pre-pregnancy coffee drinking habits.  I was so careful during pregnancy to limit my coffee intake or knock it out all together.  I somehow forgot that nursing babies get a portion of what mommy eats in their milk.  Oops.  

My second baby is a feeler.  He feels everything deeply and with great enthusiasm.  Watching him watch movies is my favorite.  If something is exciting, he runs around the room uncontrollably, jumps up and down, screams and laughs.  It is incredible to watch.  If something scares him, he buries his head and wimpers.  Last week we watched a movie and it appeared that one of the main characters had died.  He wailed in grief, tears streaming down his face.  It was heartbreaking, breathtaking, hilarious, and beautiful all at the same time.  

His affection and passion is catching.  He loves to comfort his baby sister.  I have heard him tell her on multiple occasions, in a very matter-of-fact manner, “Elayne, God is always with you.  God is with you when you are scared.  God is with you when you are alone.  God is with you when you are getting your hair brushed.  God is always with you.”  He told Matt recently that he wants to be a pastor someday because he loves to talk about God all the time.  He also wants to be a superhero, a fire fighter, a worship leader, and a rock star.  Certainly whatever he does, he will do it with passion.

Judah is my child.  Last night he nearly threw a fit because there were potatoes left on his fork and he didn’t want them to touch his porkchop.  His food can’t touch and he is incredibly picky.  I get it and I feel for him.  Vegetables are questionable while pancakes, waffles, and anything sweet can be swallowed whole, one right after another.  He is my child.  He can sleep anywhere.  It is not unusual to find him on the floor, in the hallway, under a bed, or in someone else’s bed.  

I am quite sure that Judah is Matt’s child as well.  Last night as it was time to go through (one of) the grueling daily routines of changing into pajamas in preparation for the dreaded bedtime, he asked me if he could still wear pajamas, now that he is grown, or if he is only able to wear his underwear.  Apparently, in observation of his daddy, grown men only wear the bare necessities when they sleep.  I assured him that his Spiderman, Batman, Ninja Turtle, and monkey footie pajamas are still more than suitable for a five year old.  

The love in my heart for this kid cannot be contained. I treasure the moments with him, who he is and who he is becoming. 

The 35 Book Review

You might say that I sometimes push myself to be an overachiever. This proved to be the case with my first goal for "The Year of 35" to read 35 books by the end of the year.  35 books we're read by July 26 and I have since read 3 more. Below are my heartfelt and concise reviews of the books that have rekindled my obsession to get caught up in a story, become lost in alternate realities, forget to go to sleep at night, and take the time to dream.  My reviews are personal and not particularly informative. I'm just going to tell you if I liked the book or not. 

Divergent Trilogy -Veronica Roth

1. Divergent

2. Insurgent

3. Allegiant

This is what started it all. I was sitting restlessly the first week of January and began reading reviews of recent best sellers. Divergent popped up so I downloaded it on my kindle app and began reading... And didn't stop until I finished Allegiant 3 days later. In short, I am completely obsessed with this story. I have a Divergent inspired Bible study floating around in my head, have written a letter to the author, attended the midnight release of the movie dressed in faction garb, hosted a killer Divergent Release Faction Party, discovered my true dauntless identity- and don't even get me started on Tobias "Four" Eaton.  

The reviews for young adult fiction tend to be all over the place, so this may not necessarily be where it's at for the "serious" (read: boring) readers out there, but this series has stuck with me and made me think more than any others I have read for a super long time. The spiritual connections are through the roof... And I never thought I could possibly love another fictional character as much as I love Edward.  Honestly, I'm still not completely committed, but Four is just barely trailing behind. Just barely. 

Matched Trilogy -Ally Condie

4. Matched

5. Crossed

6. Reached

The truth is, I really just had to keep reading in an attempt to get Divergent out of my head as much as possible. It really was beginning to take over my life. The Matched trilogy is another young adult dystopian society series. I enjoyed this series moderately and found it to be a light read. It wasn't terribly thought provoking, but it was alright and I'm glad I read it. I have heard that Disney may be making the movies. This makes sense as it does seem geared toward a slightly younger crowd. 

Selection Trilogy - Kiera Cass

7. The Selection

8. The Elite

9. The One

The Bachelor meets young adult dystopia meets the monarchy. This was predictable and lacking some detail, but I enjoyed the story mostly because I want to be a real princess and I like love triangles and cheesy romance.  I put it above Matched, but it is still in a black hole compared to the big 3 (Twilight, Divergent, and Hunger Games).

10.  A Million Little Ways -Emily P. Freeman

This was a great inspirational book that caused me to think and reflect. I can't remember a lot about it right now, but I know that it messed me up for a while in a good way. I recommend. 

11.  The Fault in Our Stars. -John Green

Grab some Kleenex. I read this book in less than 24 hours and enjoyed most of it. There are a few aspects of the story  I wasn't quite as in to. If you decide not to read the book, you at least need to see the movie. This is a rare gem in which I may actually like the movie better than the book. I absolutely loved the movie. It was somehow incredibly light hearted and sweet while also being heart wrenching and sob inducing. Read it. Watch it. You'll love it. 

12.  You're Made For a God Sized Dream. -Holley Gerth

This is another one that messed me up in a good way. It helped me to remember to dream and consider what dreams God has placed within me. The self awareness and reflection that this book prompted within me is going on still. 

13.  Eleanor and Park - Rainbow Rowell

A sweet book about young love. It's a fun and quick read. 

Delirium Trilogy - Lauren Oliver

14. Delirium

15. Pandemonium 

16. Requiem

Another young adult dystopian series, just because I'm stuck on the genre. I'd rank it behind The Selection and Matched. It wasn't too impacting because I can't remember much about it. 

17. The White Pearl - Kate Furnivall

This book took me a while to get through, but I really liked it for a change of pace and it took me back to my historical fiction roots. Worth the read. 

18. Fierce Women -Kimberly Wagner

I highly recommend to all my strong woman friends out there. This book challenged me and prompted some great discussions with my friends and with my husband. 

19. Impact My Life - Elisa Wagner

 This book is about mentoring and although I didn't find the information to be anything particularly new or insightful, it was affirming to my view of mentoring and relationships. 

Harry Potter -J. K. Rowling

20. Sorcerer's Stone

21. Chamber of Secrets

22. Prisoner of Azkaban

23. Goblet of Fire

24. Order of the Phoenix

25. Half Blood Prince

26. Deathly Hallows

Perhaps I am the only true cool person who has taken this long to get around to reading Harry Potter. I have no idea why it has taken me so long to get on board!  I am so glad that I finally did. I read all 7 books in 36 days and can now understand the Harry Potter world  view and it's pretty fantastic. It took me a while to get connected to the characters and the story,  but at the end of the 4th book it hit me. The tears flowed, my heart leapt, and there was no turning back. I have since bought all the movies and Matt and I have gotten through the first three.  I heart Dumbledore and everything about all the Weasley's makes me happy. And of course, Harry.  I kind of want to be him. 

27.   Forget Me - Jess Petosa

I really just wanted a light read, but it was not good. The writing was bad and the plot had so many holes. Don't read it. No, seriously. Don't do it. 

28.  Exceptional - Jess Petosa (part 1 of the Exceptional trilogy)

I don't know why I read another book by the same author after having such a bad experience with "Forget Me".  I think I just really wanted another young adult dystopia fix. It probably didn't help that I was still coming off of the J.K. Rowling brilliant writing high, but this was terrible. It was all telling and no showing and the editing was just awful. I couldn't bring myself to read anymore of the series, which is saying a lot. It was so painful to read that I didn't even care to know the rest of the story. 

The Maze Runner - James Dashner

29.  The Maze Runner

30.  The Scorch Trials

31.  The Death Cure

32.  The Kill Order (prequel)

Best dystopia since reading Divergent, but still trailing significantly, as in light years, behind. I did really enjoy the story, but the romance element was missing for me. I will be interested to see what they do with the movies. 

33.  A Year of Biblical Womanhood - Rachel Held Evans

I have been avoiding this book for a while, mostly because I had uninformed perceptions about what it is really about.  It was actually really good. The author is funny and I related to her deeply. I think we would be friends.  Ladies, read it. 

34.  Gone Girl -Gillian Flynn

Wow.  This book is interesting and So. Messed. Up.  Seriously, all this crazy stuff happens because people get bored and complacent in their marriage and go totes psycho. It's a good and strange read, but I recommend it. The movie is coming out so read the book first.  Neil Patrick Harris has a role so I'm pretty excited about that. 

35. Four:  A Divergent Collection - Veronica Roth

How fitting that it ended where it began. This book consists of four Divergent stories from Four's perspective. It adds a bit more detail and background and... Four is in every single scene, so how could it be bad?

The Universal Language

"Be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."

Ephesians 5:1,2

The languages of love, laughter, and music know no boundaries and allow people from every nation to offer the beautiful fragrance of Christ to one another in a way that brings hope, healing, and peace and brings a beacon of light that covers darkness and pain.  The language of love permeated every encounter and conversation with the amazing people of Haiti. Smiles and hugs united us in miraculous ways and laughter and music gave us heart connections that won't be quickly forgotten. 

I sensed the laughter as I offered to help a woman wash her clothes in the government built canal.  She laughed as I tried and laughed as she rewashed the items I had washed after I walked away.  We all have our own ways of doing things!

The laughter of children rang throughout the village as our team painted their fingernails, got schooled in a soccer game and as they taught us their Haitian games. Laughter brought joy and magnified our shared humanity and God's character. 

As our team passed the time singing our favorite songs as we washed dishes one evening, our beautiful Haitian cooks joined in, singing in their own language "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!"  We sang common songs with our translators as we travelled on the back of the bus and painted a porch in a village, reminders of God's grace and unchanging presence.

Two little girls dragged me across the village to the village playground, only to sit down we with me and begin to sing "Bless The Lord, O my soul. Worship his holy name" first in English and then in Creole. As we painted a home, the children flocked as they heard the resounding voices of our team. "Mwen genyen jwa, jwa, jwa, jwa an dedenke Mwen!" They joined in as we sang about the joy of the Lord down in our hearts in their native tongue. 

As we worshipped with the Church of Hope, the entire congregation sprang to their feet as the final notes rang from the Haitian woman, who sang with unmatched fervor and passion (and volume!) "It is well, it is well with my soul!"  The Haitian people cried out to God in song, "Let it rain, let it rain!  Open the floodgates of heaven!"  We joined in, a prayer for a people not only in need of the spiritual living water of Jesus, but with an ever present need to have their physical thirst quenched in a land where rivers and streams have gone dry. 

We sang as our team washed each other's feet, following the example of Jesus, who loved and served the least of these and offers us the privilege to do the same. We washed one another's feet, feet dirty from the dust; weary, joyful, and obedient feet boldly proclaiming God's love. 

A team member sang a quiet lullaby as she held a 4 month old baby suffering with fever and pain from a virus obtained from a mosquito as we prayed for complete healing. The concrete walls of a small one room shack echoed the triumph of "Amazing Grace" where a man begged us to pray for a better way of life for his family, his wife and their 8 month old baby, who was lying naked on the bed,  his nakedness a refuge from the heat. We claimed through song that we never walk alone and of God's infinite faithfulness as we gave medicine to a woman long suffering with heartburn and the ramifications of high blood pressure and no money or means to get to the clinic.  As a young girl taught me a game where we clapped our hands together in a repetitive pattern, I began to sing "Jesus loves me" and she repeated each line after me, her smile piercing my heart. The love of Jesus is without limit. 

The languages of love and laughter and music are gifts that we gave and that were selflessly returned back to us as we lived among our Haitian brothers and sisters. God makes a way for all people to experience God's love regardless of race, culture or country, whether living in poverty or with wealth.  Embracing God's language of love everyday, moment by moment, in every relationship and in every circumstance has the power to change a life, change a community, change the world. 

The Heart of a Child

Walking through the old streets of St. Augustine, the narrow and necessary focus was making sure that all seven kids were accounted for each and every moment since the reality is that one of them could bolt and disappear if this focus was thwarted for even a second.  

Even with my singular focus, I couldn't help but notice the couple who had stopped to talk to the homeless woman sitting against the brick wall on the side of the street.  The man spoke to her in a jovial tone, asking her questions and talking to her with respect.  The woman was kneeling next to her, looking her in the eye as she spoke to her.  As we passed, I heard the woman ask if she could she pray for her.  She reached for her hand.  "That would be great."  

We continued to walk slowly down the cobble stone road, so thankful for the love of God's people.  We passed another homeless man moments later and right after we passed, I heard the kind voice of a woman, "Hi John!  How are you today?"  My thankfulness turned to joy. It was the same couple.  This was their gift. 

Quickly my thoughts turned to choosing an ice cream flavor and corralling children.  As I ate my salted caramel scoop with extra caramel from Kilwin's, I noticed my oldest niece, Emma, hugging her dad tightly.  My first thought was that there was more drama. The children had been taking turns crying over small things all day long. What now?  I soon learned that Emma had seen the homeless woman and wanted to use the money she had been saving to buy her some food.  

The 15 of us walked back the way we came and when we got to the place where the homeless woman sat, Emma stopped and asked if she had anything to eat today.  "I've had a little something." Most of us stood at a distance, while Keira and Judah hovered closely, standing right next to Emma and looking back and forth, their curiosity demanding that they take in the conversation.  Emma talked and smiled comfortably and placed money in the woman's jar and soon the interaction was over.

Our crew began to walk down the street again, Judah racing up to grab Emma's hand. "Emma!  That was so nice of you to do that!  That was so nice of you!"  

I couldn't keep the tears from falling, so thankful for the love of Jesus flowing through the heart of a child freely, while my own children looked on, learning truth and grace through their cousin that they look up to and watch. 

Lord, give me the heart of a child, to be moved and to act with boldness and confidence and not to get so bogged down with the pressures of life that I miss the simplicity and beauty and possibilities in the passing moments.  Give me the heart of a child. Love. 

Goal # 3: Confessions of Defeat

"I feel like a pawn in your game."

"What's going on?  I'm asleep."

"Again??!?!"

These are just some of the quotes from my sweet husband during the course of my 35 day intercourse challenge. My responses?

"I'm doing this for you! If it's on my checklist, it WILL happen.  Stop complaining and take your pants off."

"Wake up!  New position to try!"

"At least you are getting it more than twice a month!"

Oh by the way, if sex talk makes you uncomfortable, you should just go ahead and close this page. It's about to get real up in here. 

I knew when I set the goal to have sex 35 times in 35 days that it would not be easy. After the goal was set, I realized that I would be in a different state than my husband for 6 of those days and I experienced at least 4 of the most tired days I can remember during this time frame. Coitus was enjoyed a total of 23 times. 

Not only did I fail, but I failed miserably.  

I do not like to fail. The point of making goals is to reach them, not to only do 66% of the work. This is an F in some classes and I am a solid A student.  Even as I write this, my disappointment is beginning to increase. I temporarily quit my second round of seminary just because I couldn't handle getting a B... And now I've earned a solid D-, even on the scales of gracious professors, in sex. A D- in SEX. Great job, Tamara. Just great. 

I failed, but I also had sex twenty-three times. 23 times in 35 days and I've been married 9.5 years. TWENTY-THREE times. 

By the middle of the second week of the challenge, the roles in our relationship started to reverse... and it was pretty entertaining. All of a sudden it was Matt saying how tired he was and claiming that he needed to reboot, particularly on those days when I was demanding that we jump each other more than once.  I may have failed, but our marriage has been lighthearted and fun and we connected.  I decided I wanted to be more intentional about making sure that physical intimacy is a priority because I know that truly healthy marriages need that, and physical intimacy did happen. Twenty-three times, by the way. 

I failed, but from the moment I posted my goal setting blog, conversations started opening up in so many of my circles. Here's the thing: women need to talk and they need to talk about sex in a healthy way and married women don't talk about sex quite enough, particularly in Christian circles. As I talked with women, we found that many of us struggle with similar issues when it comes to our sex lives.  These conversations spawned encouragement, laughter, grace, and the desire to embrace more fully the beauty and gift of healthy and good sex within marriage, even the midst of our crazy and chaotic lives.

A good friend told me that she couldn't believe I'd post sex stuff on my blog for the world to read, especially given my work with college students and preacher status.  It's certainly not for everyone to make private matters more public, but I embrace the gift of doing so.  I choose to live my life as an open book and readily invite uncomfortable conversations about real life. I am committed to approaching these conversations from the perspective of faith and shutting  them down if the content is not healthy, if the audience is not appropriate, or if it just isn't the right time. 

I failed, but do you want to talk?  I'll talk to you.  (I'm secretly hoping men have quit reading this by now.  In case this isn't clear, this invitation is extended to women only.). If not me, find a spiritual sister you can chat it up with.  But here are the rules: absolutely no husband bashing or comparing.  Got it?  Ever since my major areas of study in college and grad school had me taking a plethora courses with sex as the subject matter, I've loved talking about sex.  In seminary a good friend of mine referred to me as her "sex friend" whenever she had a question. (It's funny how I had all the answers before I got married and actually started having sex.  I became completely clueless when that happened.) I may have failed, but I didn't expect to encounter such rich and real conversation.  I've experientially remembered that sex talk is one of my niches. One of those places I feel at home. So, there's that. And there's 23 times. That's right, folks. Twenty-three. 

23 times. I'm starting to feel better about this, but then I remember that we had sex 21 times during the 5.5 days of our honeymoon and I feel like a failure again.  

But then I remember that by all accounts, the honeymoon is way over, we are closing in on 10 years of marriage, raising 3 children, excelling in demanding careers, and getting up at 5 a.m. almost every morning to have Shawn T kick our butts.  We are almost completely caught up on the many TV shows we watch together and continue to have meaningful and good conversations with one another.  We are preparing to go on a mission trip to Haiti together, together we manage our family and home, show our kids who Jesus is the best that we can everyday and work together to build and maintain new and old friendships.  We get up at the crack of dawn, go to bed late at night, and our days are overwhelmingly full with pressure and responsibility, while we also enjoy work and play, Zumba and softball and family movie nights.  And we threw sex in there, 23 freakin' times. 

I didn't meet my goal, but sparks flew and good sex habits were formed. 

I didn't have sex 35 times, but connection and reconnection and intimacy was present. 

Unexpected talks with women were purposeful and good.  

My marriage is solid and good from every angle. 

Maybe I didn't fail after all. 

"You're amazing!"

"Where do you want to do it tonight?"

"You are the best wife ever."

"I know baby, I know."

"Wherever you want to!"

"Well, you are pretty awesomesauce yourself."

66% never felt so good. 

The Year of 35

My 35th birthday passed by last week and I made the decision to celebrate turning 35 all year by placing before myself a wide array of aspirations to give me extra motivation to live life to the fullest. In the midst of the chaos of life I don't want to miss out on the joy of paying attention to my mind and my body and my spirit. I want to make sure that I don't take life too seriously and that I remember to just have fun.  I also like lists and goals, mostly because I like to check them off and reach them. So, here it goes...  The year of 35. It could just be the best yet. 

35 books

Category: Mind and Spirit

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014

Seriously, people.  It had been at least 16 months since I had cracked a book, and then something exploded in me and I started reading and haven't stopped since.  My count has already reached 28. Incidentally, I am not overly concerned about reaching this goal. And for the record, I do still have a job and my children continue to be well nourished. I just happen to be crazy.  Book reviews forthcoming. 

350 miles

Category:  Body

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014 or May 1,2014- May 1, 2015

I have definitely fell off the running train lately, but I'm determined to get back on. I am giving myself some flexibility with the time frame here, but I'm aiming for the end of the calendar year. So far I have run a whopping six miles this year, so I've got my work cut out for me, but I believe my next goal could help me get there...

3-5 races

Category:  Body

Timeframe: January 1, 2014- December 31, 2014

I'm already registered for a 5k, informally committed to a half marathon, and a Thanksgiving day race is slowly becoming tradition.  This one is basically in the bag as long as I follow through and don't accidentally get pregnant, which leads me to my next few goals...

Sexual Intercourse 35 times in 35 days

Category:  Mind; Body; Spirit; Marriage; Pleasure

May 1, 2014-June 4, 2014

This does not seem too difficult, except I just realized that I will be out of town for 6 of those days. Throw in the joy of the monthly cycle of the female body and general fatigue, and, yikes, this is going to take some serious effort! It's SO on, though!  We are on schedule so far.  Yesterday was a tired day so today was a two-a-day. 

3 new positions

Category:  Marriage

Timeframe: May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

You're welcome, Matt.  

5 new places

Category:  Marriage

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

Just to keep it interesting. 

And- just in case that isn't sufficient sexual motivation...

3-5 times a week

Category:  Mind; Body; Spirit; Marriage; Pleasure; SEX

Timeframe: May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I am clearly going to be up for "Wife of the Year" award in 2014 and I am fairly confident that I will win. 

35 push ups 5 times a week

Category:  Body

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

35 blog posts

Category:  Mind; Spirit

Timeframe:  January 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I know my faithful readers are going crazy with delight right now. (If you are out there, will you please identify yourselves?  Someone? Anyone?)

35 second planks- front and both sides

Category:  Body

Timeframe:  Goal achieved by December 31, 2014

3-5 unmistakeable dauntless acts or moments

Category: Just for Fun;  Self-Care

Timeframe:  May 1, 2014-December 31, 2014

I. Am.  Obsessed. With. Divergent. 

If you have no idea what this means, a later blog post will give exciting and riveting detail. 

3 times a month, 50 minutes in a coffee shop (beginning in April)

Category:  Spirit;  Self-Care

Timeframe:  April 1, 2014-December 31,2014

This is already changing my life. 

35 things not typical of a 35 year old

Category:  Just for fun

Timeframe: January 1, 2014-December 31,2014

I can't wait to see what all ends up on this list!